You can’t say the thought hasn’t crossed your mind. “What if that allusive man in red had a day job?” And not just any job, but worked as an EMT.

Here’s how we’d imagine Santa’s epic flight around the world would happen. You know…after pulling a twelve hour shift the night before.

• Bad boys and girls would receive cotton swabs
• All of his reindeer would have IVs to keep them hydrted
• Your stocking stuffer would be a copy of your vitals he took while you were sleeping
• He'd have a partner
• His suit would include tactical boots
• Christmas carols would be pretty gruesome
• He'd be used to the crazy hours
• He'd know all the good late night food spots...but would probably be interrupted halway through eating
• He'd have a magical refilling coffee thermos
• His sled would have lights and sirens
• The elves would dispatch which house is next
• He could backboard himself from any chimney-related injuries
• He would track how long it takes to go from home to home